WTF IS AN ACRONYM
You Might Also Like
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
never deleting this app.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
catch me on valentine’s day like
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Grandmother clock.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.