Taliband
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best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I bet birds love this building.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Google Pay be like: