Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
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Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
[adds another nod to the conversation]
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board