what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
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My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
We’ve all been there…
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”