Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
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“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
In case you needed to hear it:
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Sounds like a bargain
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Found the job I’m suited for
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.