@Brianhopecomedy: After I saw that my wife "Checked In" to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
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@StevenAndrais: Women Studies? im pretty good at studying women *leans against bookshelf knocking it over. Creates a domino effect that destroys t/ library*
@mompsychologist: 5yo after licking my face: "Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you."
@iAmDelFreaky: *plays Rocky theme song* *cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down* *vomits on kitchen floor* *turns off music* *cleans kitchen*