@Brianhopecomedy: After I saw that my wife "Checked In" to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
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@djdarrellripley: Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan. Her: What?!? Children? Since when? Me: Since I'm getting audited today.
@daemonic3: I'm going to run errands, need anything? "Yes, some new light bulbs" Why, our current bulbs are too heavy? "And a good divorce lawyer"
@TrueTorontoGirl: My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.