@Brianhopecomedy: After I saw that my wife "Checked In" to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
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@SomeChrisTweets: Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
@EvansPosts: When relatives say “sure looks like you’re having a lot of fun in college” ya Tina I don’t post the pics of me crying in the library on Facebook
@TeaAndCopy: On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
@OctopusCavemann: When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.