@Brianhopecomedy: After I saw that my wife "Checked In" to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
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@bridger_w: In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
@darrinfb: You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don't know them.
@Michael_Erhart: Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns. Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* "Figures."