@Brianhopecomedy: After I saw that my wife "Checked In" to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
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@Kyle_Raney: "This won't end well, mark my words. Mark, my words. MARK. MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!" *Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
@givesnoerection: I moved out of my parents house so I could have sex whenever I wanted, I had no idea it would always be with myself.
@_Shizzle: I went on a date with a girl I met from twitter once. It didn't work out, but he's one of the nicest guys I've ever met.