After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
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“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
So sick of all these stupid rules
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*