I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
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Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]