Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
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Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D