[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
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[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
The human personality is made of five key elements
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.