After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
You Might Also Like
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*