@ilovepie84: After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
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@bluntphilip: Rich people in movies apparently can't drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
@NoogsCorner: Cop: Why are your eyes bloodshot? Me: My girlfriend dumped me and I was crying... Cop: Oh. Me: ...so I smoked weed to feel better.
@AlanFelyk: Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day. Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*