After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
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Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
the Monday after daylight savings
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Practicing safe sax
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.