After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
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The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
work smarter, not harder
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
favorite tropes as memes
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
A friend helps you before you need it