After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
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My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!