[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
You Might Also Like
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.