Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
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Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Coffee is ready.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
#Caturday
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.