[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
You Might Also Like
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
What a website
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Writing, She Murdered.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.