Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
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If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
My inexpensive home security system…
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”