Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
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Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see