@meganamram: After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
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@goldengateblond: Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I'm a dream.
@WheelTod: If you're dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
@naazihah: Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses. Me: I have contacts. Cop: I don't care who you know, you're not getting out of this one.
@MrEmilyHeller: Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy