I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
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I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”