[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
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My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!