[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
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[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”