After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
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I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.