I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
You Might Also Like
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne