her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
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I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
tell em, edith-anne
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.