[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
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ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked