[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
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What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago