@Parentpains: After placing me in charge of training new employees I can't help but question my companies' commitment to success.
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@Brianhopecomedy: My wife's late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She's mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
@plethoricjake: As a child whenever I asked my parents to close the closet at night they always said. "Why? Anything that could kill you can open that door"
@samalmightysam: Why couldn't the Mayans just make a calendar full of naked women like everybody else?
@jordan_stratton: All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.