@Parentpains: After placing me in charge of training new employees I can't help but question my companies' commitment to success.
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@batkaren: HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception? [at the same time] ME: Murder-suicide HIM: The chicken dance!
@TomTheWicked: Boss: What's for lunch? Me: Food. B: What kind of food? M: The kind you eat. B: ... M: ... B: ... Me: You hired me. This is your fault.
@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: "Hand over your stuff! No funny business!" *I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
@FKACornshucks: Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you. Her: Tell me... Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?