I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
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Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.