Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
You Might Also Like
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I am HOWLING at this
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Meanwhile in Canada…
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*