[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
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Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.