[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
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Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.