Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
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I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle