2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
You Might Also Like
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)