After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
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DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.