After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
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I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.