After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
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The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Always
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera