[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
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“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Imma just leave this here…………
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”