After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
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Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?