After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
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“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.