Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
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People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..