Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
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SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
we did it you guys we saved daylight
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.