@THEPokerWife: After seeing your latest selfie ... And knowing what you look like in real life.... I'd like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
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@notbedelia: 911: what's your emergency? M: I'm out of ketchup. 911: miss I don't think u get how 911 works. M: I DONT THINK U GET HOW HOT DOGS WORK
@1par8head: Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
@Kyle_Lippert: "I love u" "Umm isn't it a bit too soon to say I love you?" "Oh ha I meant the letter U. What's your fav u word? Mine is Unreciprocated lol"
@MichaelTrying: The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.