After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
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therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
“i miss shittin on people”
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.