After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
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One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.