@TylerLinkin: After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
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@joeljeffrey: My first workout back at the gym was great... I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
@whereami18: A woman just asked me to "unpark her car" and now I'm searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
@elvisknievil: If you ever need 15 minutes of peace and quiet from texting, tell her to send a selfie.