[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
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Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
My Plans 2020
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.