Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
You Might Also Like
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
be careful
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Boating season is upon us.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.