@TheMichaelRock: After shaking someone's hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.
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@jwoodham: Ostriches would be scary as hell if they could fly or if they had arms, but they can't and they don't, so here we are. Stupid land birds.
@ericsshadow: If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
@WilliamAder: If you get a gift from me, there may or may not be a pair of scissors between the wrapping and the gift. I'm gonna need those back.
@thatguyJA: My son ate all the marshmallows in the Lucky Charms and well guess who isn't paying for his college now.