god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
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Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Well, that didn’t work.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
My teenage children choosing violence
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.