After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
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You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Life hack
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her