After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
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My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Did I do this right
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*